I gave myself a talking to at the weekend. It was a beautifully warm, sunny weekend, I had my family around me, we had a weekend of relaxation and fun planned, yet I was full of anxiety. It is an anxiety that runs deep, I am well aware of it and it’s effect it has on me and I’m working very hard to keep it in check but, especially when I am tired and/or hormonal, it rears it’s head. What is it? Well it is a fear I have of not fitting in, not wearing the right clothes, being over/under dressed, not looking the part (although I don’t know what part I’m trying to play). I feel like for the majority of my life I have been playing a part in a drama that only I know is going on, what costume do I need to wear to fit in with that group? How do I need to talk to be in this group? How do I need to act to be make people believe that I belong?
Why I do this is the bigger and more scary question. As I have mentioned before I was a massive people pleaser, still am sometimes, old habits etc etc. So I found myself going back to old ways of thinking, there is many times I have said about myself that I have no style and that I can make even the most expensive clothes look like burlap sacks (although thinking about it it’s probably my worried, anxious, unhappy face that people notice first), and here I was doing it again, ‘people will look at me in my yoga gear and judge me’, ‘how does someone going on this type of holiday act?’, I am absolutely certain that I would make a great method actor as I have been getting into character for the best part of 35 years.
The thing is that now I know I am doing it, I recognise it almost straight away and can put my mind at work asking myself questions (silently, although not always, especially when I get into a heated debate with myself), ‘What if they do judge, it’s got nothing to do with me what they think, their thoughts are their own.’, ‘Are you comfortable and happy? Well then what does it matter?’, ‘Happy people do whatever they want on holiday’, ‘A smile and happy disposition will make you look wonderful, even if you are wearing a burlap sack’, talking to done I was able to relax not giving a second thought to what others may or may not be saying, I’d stepped off the stage and was back to me.
The point is our mind likes to think, question, comment and generally critique it’s way through our lives, and for the majority of the time this is useful, but it is up to us how much and what we listen to. Knowing when to tell our minds enough is a great skill and knowing how to be compassionate and forgiving of ourselves is the way to a healthy mind. Shakespeare may think that all the world is a stage, but we need to find balance, reconnect with who we are and be true to ourselves, it’s time to stop acting and start being.
So my friends, find who you are, do that thing you’ve always wanted to do just for yourself, don’t worry about what others think, and just be you. I promise I will too xx
Until next time